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Remodeled Expressions for the 21st Century
Printable Version

by Aaron Kendall

• Old Expression: Same shit, different day.
  New Expression: I'm still the same pessimistic piece of shit, different day.
  Explanation: The healthy result of putting a stop to their denial.

• Old Expression: What comes around, goes around.
  New Expression: What kills your baby daughter walks free the next day with the legal assistance of Johnny Cochran.
  Explanation: That whole karma thing didn't really work out too well for Nicole Simpson or that guy she was with.

• Old Expression: There is no "i" in "team".
  New Expression: There is no "i" in "team", but there is a "u" in "murder".
  Explanation: This should shut that damn collectivist's mouth.

• Old Expression: That's when the shit hit the fan.
  New Expression: That's when my colon exploded.
  Explanation: It's my belief that intestinal gas problems will increase dramatically by the year 2010.

• Old Expression: May the devil know you're dead an hour after you sneak into Heaven!
  New Expression: May the IRS know that you've left the country a year after you sneak into South America!
  Explanation: Hey, Willie Nelson can dream, too, can't he?

• Old Expression: Let's let bygones be bygones.
  New Expression: Let's just pretend for now that I don't hate your guts and that I don't want to see them splattered over the wall.
  Explanation: Perfect for the occasion where you want to give your personal hatred a bit of privacy. Or when you don't have a backbone. Or both.

• Old Expression: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
  New Expression: Don't check a free mail order bride for an unbroken hymen.
  Explanation: Chances are that if you're ordering a mail order bride, you're lucky to even see anything which resembles female genitalia.

• Old Expression: I'm surviving.
  New Expression: I'm managing to get past these life-threatening obstacles, like shaving and eating with utensils.
  Explanation: When you're really aiming for pity, just go the distance and show how pathetic you really are.

• Old Expression: Everything happens for a reason.
  New Expression: Everything bad happens for god's love of sadism.
  Explanation: I guess that the killing of children and the impaling of them on Popsicle sticks does make sense after all.

• Old Expression: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
  New Expression: Beauty is sitting astride on the crotch of the beholder.
  Explanation: Wishful thinking.

• Old Expression: There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.
  New Expression: There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.
  Explanation: Some things never change, just like the misanthropic jackasses who repeatedly absorb and spout this crap.

• Old Expression: Death is a gateway that leads to new life.
  New Expression: When you slit your wrists, ride the red wave to freedom!
  Explanation: For the near future, I forecast that pro-suicide groups and advertising firms will be able to make death the next hip "getaway".

• Old Expression: It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
  New Expression: It's better to have married a crazy bitch, divorced her, and pay alimony for the rest of your life than live a life of awesome sex with models and luxurious wealth.
  Explanation: None which includes sanity.