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Remodeled Expressions for the 21st Century

by Aaron Kendall

• Old Expression: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
  New Expression: Don't check a free mail order bride for an unbroken hymen.
  Explanation: Chances are that if you're ordering a mail order bride, you're lucky to even see anything which resembles female genitalia.

• Old Expression: I'm surviving.
  New Expression: I'm managing to get past these life-threatening obstacles, like shaving and eating with utensils.
  Explanation: When you're really aiming for pity, just go the distance and show how pathetic you really are.

• Old Expression: Everything happens for a reason.
  New Expression: Everything bad happens for god's love of sadism.
  Explanation: I guess that the killing of children and the impaling of them on Popsicle sticks does make sense after all.

• Old Expression: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
  New Expression: Beauty is sitting astride on the crotch of the beholder.
  Explanation: Wishful thinking.

• Old Expression: There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.
  New Expression: There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.
  Explanation: Some things never change, just like the misanthropic jackasses who repeatedly absorb and spout this crap.

• Old Expression: Death is a gateway that leads to new life.
  New Expression: When you slit your wrists, ride the red wave to freedom!
  Explanation: For the near future, I forecast that pro-suicide groups and advertising firms will be able to make death the next hip "getaway".

• Old Expression: It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
  New Expression: It's better to have married a crazy bitch, divorced her, and pay alimony for the rest of your life than live a life of awesome sex with models and luxurious wealth.
  Explanation: None which includes sanity.