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Bleeding Heart Liberal Arts
by Jason Roth
Political Rationalization Theory
This course will help even the most honest of aspiring liberals to evade rational arguments and aim straight for one's opponent's heart. After just a few short weeks, the student will be able to completely dispense with facts and concepts, and rely almost entirely on sobs, whines, and growls.
You'll learn:
- How to use the words greedy, selfish, and children-hating monster all in the same sentence.
- All the latest techniques for asserting why your brand of socialism will never result in concentration camps. (Or at least why your concentration camps will be a lot more fun.)
- How to steer a conversation away from principles like "property rights" and towards real life examples like "cute little fuzzy endangered animals whose homes are being bulldozed to make way for parking lots" and "Lucy the physically abused, mentally-handicapped, malnourished, pregnant, homeless, earthquake survivor".
- When to compare something to a "safety net" or "leveling the playing field", and when to bypass metaphors in desperation and throw out the phrase "Did you ever think that maybe not everyone is as smart as you? What about those people?"
- How to know whether to blame it on Republicans, American Imperialists, Rich White Men, Western Culture, or the Industrial-Socio-Political-Military Establishment.
The course will culminate in a debate between the student and an actual Republican politician of less-than-stellar intelligence.
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