STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Horoscopes

by Jason Roth

• Aries
  (March 21 - April 19)

  Due the alignment of the Moon and Venus, you will lose control of your sex drive and rape the passenger sitting next to you on the bus to Cleveland to visit your long lost uncle. Expect disappointment at work.

• Taurus
  (April 20 - May 20)

  Your love of beauty and sexuality will tempt you to partake in self-induced vomiting and get a nose job. Resist these temptations. If successful, an unexpected visitor may surprise you with an offer to take you on a romantic trip to a hedonist sex farm in Cancun.

• Gemini
  (May 21 - June 21)

  Your long search for intellectual gratification will come to an end this week, during a visit to an ex-high-school drop-out turned astrologer. Your curious nature will drive you to the astrologer, but beware of questioning the astrologer's advice or else the mystical transference of knowledge and logic will vaporize mid-mindmeld.

• Cancer
  (June 22 - July 22)

  Your long-repressed love of parental security will come to a head this week, in the form of firebomb attack on a nursery school. Your ride to jail, and the sensual experience of wearing tight handcuffs will help you to recall your younger, carefree days when your babysitter ruptured your anus with your brother's erector set.

• Leo
  (July 23 - Aug. 22)

  Your special charm and love of social influence will come in handy this week, when you manipulate the office slut into sleeping with the CEO. You will be chosen as the new CEO in a unanimously vote, but will continue to produce the same shoddy garbage you do now as secretary.

• Virgo
  (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)

  Your love of order and harmony will aid you in cleaning out your refrigerator and adjusting a rather painful wrinkle in your underwear. Gardening, however, will prove disappointing, as the vegetables will be wilted and inedible, though arranged in perfect little rows.

• Libra
  (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)

  You will have to make a big decision this week. Don't. You're just not ready for it.

• Scorpio
  (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)

  A beautiful transformation will take place in your soul which will be quite obvious to your friends and loved ones. Tell those bastards to get off your back and that it's just that time of the month.

• Sagittarius
  (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

  A wild adventure will literally knock you off your feet. Your gift of foresight will alert you to the big rock about to hit your head as you fall off your white stallion and glimpse your knight in shining armor riding away, laughing at you. You will be rescued by an intriguing Aquarius healer-type, and will fall promptly in love. That is, until you realize that your body has been amputated and your head has been fused onto the neck of a large reptile.

• Capricorn
  (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

  You have a talent and zeal for protecting those you care about. How about minding your own goddamn business, for once? Don't you know what an annoying asshole you are? Fuck you.

• Aquarius
  (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

  You will be called on to sacrifice to a stranger. Instead of offering monetary assistance, endeavor to rise to a greater challenge. Become the bum's slave and help him beg for change for the rest of your natural life.

• Pisces
  (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

  Your creative, artistic side will show itself this week, when you smear your own feces on a canvas and attempt to sell it as artwork. You will fall in love with your artwork, however, and get stoned on pot every day and make little feces figurines who live and play in the dream world depicted in your artwork. You will call this world "Shit City". Don't forget to invest in an IRA as soon as possible so you can buy a condo in Shit City and retire there some day.