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How to Speak Southern
The Southern Man's Lexicon

by Aaron Kendall

• Alcohol - The behavioral "lubricant of love". (See Pregnancy)

• Coward - Driver of a car which either isn't a pickup truck or does not bear the Confederate flag as a bumper sticker.

• Death - Your chance to meet Your Lord Jesus Christ. (See Success)

• Depression - What sets in when you find out that the steak you just ate belonged to the cow that Uncle Jimbo would visit in the twilight hours.

• Deprived - The life of salvation which comes from living in a constant state of boredom and stagnation. (E.g., "I would rather my child be deprived than depraved. Now, be a good boy and toss your evil little coloring book onto the pile of burning literature.")

• Disappointment - The feeling one experiences when buying a pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea for $13.00 and finding out that it's just carbonated water and grain alcohol.

• Dreams - Those thoughts which only distract you from your servitude to The Lord and which you should attempt to crush at all costs. (E.g., "In order to stop that dream of living life, stomp and hum and beat your wife.")

• Erection - That which should only arise if it has a target to fire upon and if the wielder is ready to fire.

• Expressive - Being a rude person by displaying to others one's own intelligence and passion.

• Food - That which is partly edible and deep-fried in lard.

• Girlfriend - What your sister becomes after her 9th birthday. (See Wife)

• Gossip - Important news about one's neighbors that deals with either (a) whether or not the guy next door is a "funny boy" or (b) where that girl got the matching Nascar cap and cowboy boots.

• Holiday - A day of relaxation for the "workin' man". (E.g., "I ain't talkin' about no nigger month. I'm talking about a real holiday.")

• Ignorance - That which guarantees your entry to Heaven and your understanding of The Lord.

• Philosophy - Thoughts about the universe which cannot dispute with the Bible but are totally legitimate in contradicting one's own experiences. (See Reality)

• Pregnancy - Spreading the Christian faith by creating more followers. (See antonym: Dreams)

• Rational - The state of being completely ridiculous. (E.g., Blue code laws which allow unlimited consumption of beer while forcing the rule "One part water to 0.005 parts liquor" in every mixed drink is rational." See Disappointment.)

• Reality - That which God arbitrarily presents to us, even though it only appears as if it's systematically consistent.

• Success - Living a sacrificial, self-destructive life to such an extent that you get to meet Jesus Christ in person and get his autograph.

• Wife - What your girlfriend becomes after you knock her up. (See Pregnancy)