STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Ready-to-Use Office Birthday Card Messages

by Jason Roth

• You know that none of these other assholes care about you like I do. Happy birthday, honey.

• The reason I'm wishing you a happy birthday down here in the bottom left corner of the card is because, as you might suspect, the only thing I really know about you is that you talk too fucking loud on the telephone. When it's my birthday, how about shutting your trap for ten minutes?

• Just in case you were wondering, when they took the collection for your birthday present, I took five bucks out of the envelope and bought myself a porno mag. You know, something can be said for classic print porn. I like that glossy finish.

• Sorry to see you leave. Congratulations, and good luck, it's been great working with you. (Since it's your birthday, I'm giving you the fantasy that I'll actually give two shits when they fire you.)

• Let me know if you got the gift certificate. There was only one person left to sign your card by the time it got to me, so I'll know who stole it. We can take him into the copy room and pour toner down his fucking throat.

• I never know what to write, so hopefully this is messy enough to be completely illegible. Hppy Brhtyd.

• Do me a favor and let me know if there's any cake left. I'll come down and grab some after your obligatory "Let's hang out in the kitchen pretending to surprise you while awkwardly wishing we had booze or better yet actually liked one another but hey at least we're killing a half hour without having to work" party. If anyone brings carrots, celery, and ranch dip, do me a favor and impale the motherfucker with a ruler.

• Happy birthday, sexy. To claim your present, meet me in the east wing near the printer at 6:30. Signed, anonymous.

• For the record, I do not endorse the phony message on the other side of this card. It implies that I like you. If I did, don't you think I would have said something to you in the last three weeks rather than looking at the floor every time you walked past? The only reason I'm writing anything is because I didn't have to pay for this damn card and the company gave me this pen for free. And I'm already feeling guilty about wasting ink.

• Wow, I can't believe it's your birthday again. It seems like we've grown up together. Thanks for making me feel old, asshole. Don't you have family you can torture?

• HBD.