STH Newsletter

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How to Operate a Microwave Oven Without Causing Bodily Injury or Death

by Jason Roth

1. Metal objects of any sort are not to be used in the microwave.

2. Cook all foods in pre-tested microwave-safe cookware only. Many non-tested containers can crack, warp, shatter, bend, or otherwise rupture during cooking.

   Fragments, shards, and other droppings of foreign materials from the surface of the non-tested container may be deposited in the microwave user's food, thereby leading to ingestion prior to the microwave user's discovery of said materials.

3. Always use a pot holder or oven mitt when removing microwave-safe containers from the microwave. Open all microwave-safe cookware with caution, and be aware of any steam that may have been released during heating.

   (If necessary, an ample number of disposable towels may be substituted for the pot holder or oven mitt, when neither is readily available. Be sure to cover the entire palm of the hand with the towel, and grasp the microwave-safe container for intervals of not more than 8-12 seconds.)

4. Hold all microwave-safe cookware at a distance of three to four feet away from the body, to avoid skin and eye contact with escaping steam. After food has been served from container, allow container to sit overnight before attempting to transport it to sink for cleaning. For added safety, test container temperature with a thermometer before lifting.

5. When cooking, reheating, and defrosting pre-packaged foods in the microwave, use only those foods marked "microwavable" by the food manufacturer. Be sure to remove packaging from the food, as recommended by the manufacturer.

   For example, some "TV dinner" manufacturers recommend leaving mixed vegetables sealed, while others ask that the plastic covering be removed; refer to package instructions in such cases. For best results, remove lima beans from vegetable mixtures before cooking.

6. The storing of explosives and flammable materials in and around the microwave is strictly prohibited.

7. Do not attempt to climb into the microwave. Due to a number of factors, including space constraints within the microwave, the microwave has been determined fit for the cooking, reheating, and defrosting of microwavable foods only.

8. The microwave user is advised to employ extreme caution when inserting the head into the microwave. Overcooking of the head may result in extreme dehydration and flakiness, as well as possible malfunctioning of the microwave and of the head.

9. When balancing the microwave on its side to compensate for limited access to a power outlet, be sure to keep ventilation side up at all times. To prevent slippage, tightly wedge a spatula or other kitchen utensil beneath the microwave during cooking. For best results, the construction of an additional electrical socket or the purchase of an extension cord is highly recommended.

10. Eggs may be microwaved in the shell if cooked properly. Using a toothpick, pierce the egg's shell and place in a microwave-safe container. Fill with water, taking notice not to completely cover egg. (Water level should be even with top of egg, and toothpick-hole facing up.) Remove egg, crack over pre-heated pan, and cook.

11. Do NOT insert fingers into the electrical outlet.

12. For proper heating of "pocket-type" foods, including burritos and breakfast pouches, turn pocket over every 15-20 seconds, and turn sideways 23 degrees 4 minutes counter-clockwise every thirty seconds. When turns coincide, skip both turns entirely. (This is also known as a "leap-turn".) The final counter-clockwise turn may be replaced with a good whack with the back of the hand, followed by a loud declaration of "That'll teach you, you God-damned phallus."

13. The microwave comes with a rotating "carousel" to be used for even heating of foods. Do not attempt to use this accessory.