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10 Ways To Rationalize Your Lust to Destroy Microsoft

by Jason Roth

1. Tell yourself that the bundling of Microsoft's web browser (which you've paid nothing for) with Microsoft's operating system (which you're not smart enough or motivated enough to create yourself) is a vicious act of force because it's easier for you to access and use than some other web browser whose manufacturer you would deem equally evil if they happened to be the bigger company, and therefore you feel it's your duty to save humanity from the horrors of selfish, greedy, reckless corporations and make the world a better place for all the innocent children.

2. Tell yourself that the only way to have free competition is to beat the fuck out of anyone who actually wins the competition.

3. Proclaim your undying, compassionate defense of the working man, the underdog, and the little guy, especially multi-billion dollar corporations like Netscape that couldn't hold on to their own monopoly on the web browser in an honorable way, so now need to hide their gutless asses behind U.S. government tanks in a pathetic attempt to reclaim market share.

4. Tell yourself that there's no such thing as private property, and anything produced in a society belongs to society "as a whole". Oh, and while you're at it, write a book about the collective ownership of property and copyright the book in your name. Remind everyone that your permission will be required before any reprints of the book are distributed to the students in the senior-level seminar in Marxist economic theory.

5. Repeat aloud: "Money is the root of all evil. Bill Gates has money. Therefore, Bill Gates is evil." Never ask yourself why money is the root of all evil. If the question occurs to you, a good way to make it go away is to fuck around at work all day, collect your unearned pay check, then go home and play the lottery.

6. Tell yourself that Microsoft didn't originate the concept of a windows-based operating system. Remind yourself that consumers could have just as easily purchased the Alto computer years earlier from Xerox for a mere $40,000. (If you get angry at the idea of Microsoft improving upon the ideas of others, try to relax by sitting back and listening to that great song you illegally copied (i.e., stole) from your friend's CD.)

7. Tell yourself that Microsoft was started by a computer nerd who was just a loser that sat in front of his computer all day because he couldn't get a date. Then sit in front of your TV all day and try to forget how long it's been since you last had sex with your spouse. That is, the spouse who's too tired to fuck you anyway because she or he has just been masturbating in front of her soap operas or the photos of his secretary at the company picnic, simultaneously trying to forget what a failure you are both in your career and in bed.

8. Tell yourself that any agency that illegally bypasses the U.S. court system to kidnap a child for the purpose of aiding and abetting a communist dictator while claiming that they're upholding the "wishes" of a father who can legally be jailed in his country for voicing disagreement with his government, can't be all bad. Shit, they're called the "Justice" Department, aren't they?

9. Tell yourself that it's ok for you to sell stuff, like your old car or that junk from last year's garage sale, however and whenever you damn well please. But when a bunch of people sells stuff to another bunch of people, the second bunch becomes oppressed by the first bunch and therefore needs government protection. Also tell yourself that greater protection is required when the first bunch sells stuff that is extremely beneficial to the lives of the second bunch and the second bunch voluntarily buys a lot of it.

10. Remind yourself of Thomas Jefferson's immortal words defining "your inalienable right to 500 varieties of breakfast cereals and computer operating systems". Not to mention your right to be a slave driver over anyone that makes breakfast cereals and operating systems.