STH Newsletter

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A Few Ways to Amuse Yourself with a Homeless Person

by Jason Roth

• Ask him for directions to the nearest employment office

• Give him a big bottle of expensive scotch filled with Kool-Aid

• Tell him you'll give him $20 if he'll breathe in your face and let you guess what his last meal was

• Tell him you can't give him any money, but that you know where he can get a good deal on a home alarm system

• Tell him you're from the Red Cross and that you're collecting for the Yugoslavia relief fund

• Lead him around with a dollar on a string

• Sit on a bench and feed him breadcrumbs

• Evict him from his box

• Ask him where you can buy some caviar

• Set fire to a twenty dollar bill in front of him

• Offer him a job as CEO of Internet start-up StinkyBum.com and see if he'll accept it

• Get a few friends and parade past him wearing costume-versions of the Vanderbilt mansions

• Take him to a department store and offer to buy him "any faux fireplace" his heart desires

• Advise him of the hazards of smoking and the importance of eating a balanced breakfast

• Ask him for his autograph