STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Offensive Costumes for Kids

by Aaron Kendall

1. Postal Terrorist Ghost (a.k.a., The Triple Threat)

   Materials: Simple - a sheet with two holes for eyes, a small rubber tire around the head (to give you that Saudi Arabian kaffiyah look), and a Post Office cap. Optional: Wear a postal bag with a clock taped to a red box inside and wear the bag ON THE OUTSIDE - you're not the Postal Terrorist Ghost of Notre Dame, for fuck's sake.

   Behavior: Shake your head and mumble catch-phrases like "100 virgins, my ass" or "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night will stop me from blowing up your ass."

2. Katrina Victim

   Materials: Walk around holding a TV with a price tag still attached to it.

   Behavior: Infrequently while walking around, put the TV on the ground, stand on top of it, and scream out "I stole this to survive!" to anyone nearby.

3. An Aborted Fetus

   Materials: Cover yourself in raw ground beef and attach a purple-painted rubber hose to your navel. Make sure that the hose is extra long. If you're feeling especially audacious, go for the cliche: plant the clothes hanger in your back.

   Behavior: Loudly gurgle (not scream) out "Mommy?" while stumbling around, making sure that you trip over the rubber hose on occasion...because nothing's funnier than a clumsy, stumbling fetus looking for it's mother. If you have a friend available, give him a name tag called "Stem Cell Guy" and have him chase you.

4. Environmentalist Kook

   Materials: Go for the sports superfan effect - wear body paint that spells out "Hurray for Hurricanes!" Bring along a mobile DVD player and plenty of Katrina footage.

   Behavior: Go to any charity fundraiser for Katrina victims and scream out "Nature 1, Humans 0 - bitches!!!" If anyone starts to get upset, approach them with the Katrina footage and play some shots of the storm's damage, screaming "Oh, yeah - in your face! IN - YOUR - FACE!" as they weep for the victims.

5. Entitled Asshole Homeless Guy

   Materials: This one is easy - just drink everything in sight and piss all over yourself. To add a little something, consult with your nearest homeless for accessories, like rubbing that red shit in his goodie jar onto your most poignant areas.

   Behavior: Now this is the key to this costume - you've got to play the part just right. First, drink a gallon of water. Then, approach a group at a Halloween party and introduce yourself as someone from a charity - "The Smith Foundation for Shit-Smell People". After they laugh and say "Good one", ensure them that you are not kidding and that this isn't a joke. After they start exhibiting looks of fear or awkwardness (and they will), begin to press them for money, using "sir" or "ma'am" every five seconds. As they continue to ignore you, keep raising the level of your voice, inching every closer to one of their ears. For the climax and ultimate realism, after having been ignored for several minutes, finally piss yourself once again and start screaming at them, threatening to torture their children and rape any women in their company. After ten seconds, walk away and drink another gallon of water. After a few minutes, come back to that same group and repeat the whole thing.

6. Bob the Voluntary Black Slave

   Prerequisite: You need to be a black guy/girl to pull this one off.

   Materials: A loincloth, chains, and a tag (on a dangling smaller chain) that says "Slave and proud."

   Behavior: Be casual and friendly. If someone has an angry reaction to your costume, proclaim that this is no joke and that if they have a problem with you being a slave, then they're just ignorant "slavists" and that's their problem.

7. French Catholic Priest

   Materials: A Catholic priest costume with a beret, the most recent Michael Jackson album, and a loaf of French bread stuffed with candy.

   Behavior: Duh...just act like a French Catholic priest.

8. Hurricane Katrina

   Materials: Wear urban camouflage. Pack in lots of stuffing to give you more volume. Pack so much stuffing that you can't even put your arms down (like the little brother in A Christmas Story). Be sure to write "HURRICANE KATRINA" on the front in big letters. Bring a large water gun with you.

   Behavior: Shoot at random people with your watergun and scream "Whooohoooo!!!" at them. Yell "Big Dog K in da house!" and smack the occasional woman on the ass. If you're at someone's house for a Halloween party, open up all the faucets in the house and be sure to plug every drain. If you see the other guy dressed up as Environmentalist Kook, be sure and give him a high-five.

9. Decapitated Peace Corps Sodomization Victim

   Materials: Buy an outfit from the Salvation Army with a contemporary insignia, like the band Anti-Flag. Create the typical decapitated costume with decapitated head accessory, but be sure to fill the plastic head with sand. With a little extra tailoring, make it appear as if an Iraqi flag has been shoved into your ass.

   Behavior: Sprinkle the sand in your head onto others and tell them to think happy thoughts if they want to fly.

10. Deiter the Ambivalent Nazi

    Materials: A Nazi uniform with a rainbow-colored apron that says "I (Heart) To Cook...Jews".

    Behavior: Tell everyone that you're in love with the genocide, but you're sick of having to stay in the closet.