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Misguided Food Marketing Techniques

by Jason Roth

• The Purdue "Cabbage Patch" Chicken
  Give each Purdue chicken its own name, such as "Henny" or "Socks", and include a personalized story about the chicken. Include a one-of-a-kind "about your chicken" card, describing your chicken's likes and dislikes, along with a photo of the chicken as a baby chick. Package the chicken in a Styrofoam coffin.

• The "Buy One Bag of M&M's, Steal a Hershey's Bar Free" Promotion
  Advocate theft of your competitor's product. Offer hints for "better shoplifting techniques", and remind customers that "This special promotion is between us and you, and if you tell anyone at this store about it, or anyone at the Hershey company, we will hunt you down and kill you, and also your family and your friends. You better watch your back. We mean it. In fact, we're going to kill you no matter what you do, so we really don't care. You're a dead man." Make sure to point out that your satisfaction guarantee does not apply to Hershey products.

• The "Better Smelling Gas" Baked Beans Guarantee
  Promise that your brand of baked beans will give the customer "better smelling gas, or your money back". Enclose two balloons, so that if the customer is not completely satisfied, they may send back a sample emitted after eating your baked beans as well as one emitted after eating the competition's. Make sure your company has a complete staff of official "bean gas judges", who can evaluate whether the customer is attempting to submit a falsified bean gas claim.

• The "Coke Drinkers Suck" Pepsi Marketing Campaign
  Explain on all Pepsi cans, bottles, and 24-pack cardboard packaging that "cola is cola", and "it all tastes the same, doesn't it?" Let customers know that "If you think Coke is any better then Pepsi, then you're just a pretentious prick." Film commercials that appear to be advertising Coke, featuring men and women drinking Coke while they kick dogs, spit on babies, and vandalize churches.