STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Six Ways to Handle Bad Customer Service

by Jason Roth

• Rude convenience store clerk:

  Ask what the fuck is so convenient about pouring your own soda. Then take all the pennies in the little tray and buy gumballs.

• Bad taxi driver:

  Tell the driver his potential tip has just dropped to 5%, and for each additional driving infraction, as determined by you, you will dock his tip one percentage point, even if it means he ends up owing you money. And then say, "Hey buddy, could you hurry the fuck up? If I wanted to sit motionless in one place with my legs cramped and inhale foreign body odors all night, I would have made another visit to your wife's bedroom."

• Slow fast-food restaurant cashier:

  Walk up to the counter, take out a piece of paper, and write the word "Fast" on it with a red magic marker. Hold it up and say to the cashier, "See this, asshole? This is what your mother should have done while she was pregnant with you, so maybe then your fetal brain wouldn't be comprised of fucking animal lard. It's also the speed at which you should be bagging my cheeseburgers."

• Slow movie theater ticket agent:

  "They made a movie about you. It's called "Dim-Witted Fuck" and it's now playing in theater seven. How about you give me my tickets so I can go catch the ending? I don't want to miss the part when the pissed-off customer takes out an Uzi and blows the guy's fucking head off."

• Rude waiter:

  "Can I please see the menu again? For some reason, I don't remember the creme brulée coming with an arrogant prick."

• Rude bus driver:

  "I'm not going to insult all other bus drivers by naming all two skills required to drive a bus, just for the sake of emphasizing your inability to master these two skills. Instead, let me just say that whatever these two unmentioned skills are, you, sir, not only do not possess them, but, as you might recall, there are only two skills to possess. And, fine, if you insist: driving and not being a fucking cunt."