STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Classifieds #2

by Aaron Kendall

• Talented band seeks pompous asshole for lead vocals. Should have constant high from never-ending flow of smack and crack. Leather pants and huge libido encouraged. History of making "fuck" videos with Pamela Anderson favored.

• Victim of shark attack seeking shark who ate victim's leg. Would like shark to meet me at Port 17 with my leg, preferably not digested. Proposing to trade leg for Richard Dreyfus.

• SWF currently being attacked by assailant seeking help from anyone. No requirements. No preferences. Just hurry. Please.

• Paranoid hypochondriac seeks disease that will finally stop insane guessing. Malady like Ebola virus preferred. Will accept secondary candidates like AIDS or cancer.

• Devout Catholic who enjoys taste of Christ seeks distributor of communion wafers. Would like to know if wafers come in packs of twenty or more. Prefers wafers in yummy flavors, like chocolate-covered Christ or strawberry Christ. Christ must stay crispy in milk.

• Ubiquitous organization Jews for Jesus seeks clarity and lack of confusion.

• Large Asian country specializing in production of rice and torture seeks allies who hate dreaded capitalist round-eye pig dogs. Allies with big nuclear weapons preferred. Request candidates who are big lovers of Jackie Chan, crappy music, and running over college students with tanks.