STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Classifieds #6

by Aaron Kendall

• SWF feeling guilty about being alive seeks mate who can help to fill each other's souls with feelings of emptiness and helplessness. Must love kittens.

• Non-technical manager seeks M.S.C.D. with B.S. in C.S. who programs Windows NT C++ with COM, CORBA, and JNDI , with maybe RPC to a VMS ALPHA. Also, would like someone to tell me what the hell I just said.

• Small Russian town famous for nuclear explosion seeking participants for first "Nuclear Olympics". Drugs prohibited. Distorted, inhuman mutations welcome and encouraged. Accepting contestants with up to four legs only.

• Wealthy SWM seeks potential ex-wife who will actually earn their alimony check. Must save my life at some point during marriage and perform beyond porn star standards in the bedroom.

• Militant Muslim terrorist group looking for Western infidels of wealthy, prominent families to come and stay at small "resort" in southern Philippines for free. Free "physical therapy" sessions included.

• Chinese Olympic athlete who just screwed up in event seeks affordable body armor to protect body from Coach Xu Doajung's whipping cane.

• Concerned voter seeks Presidential candidate who will stay out of my house, my bank account, and my car. Also staying out of my ass is a close second.

• Hacker of notorious reputation and fierce opponent of the conformist capitalist system wishes to find a high-paying programmer position at a Fortune 500 company. Degrees include a major in Computer Science and minors in both Hypocrisy and Immaturity.

• Avid Olympics fan angry at "ballroom dancing" being in Olympics seeks standards for the term "sport". Need to prevent "gardening" from becoming Olympic event before it's too late.

• SBF seeks SBM who does not refer to his girlfriend as dark food or beverage. Includes chocolate, coffee, Nutello, Ovaltine, and chili beans.

• Powerful but unpopular Yugoslavian politician/dictator seeks powerful mercenary army to help rid Yugoslavia of cursed freedom and free-thinking. Minimum pay but plenty of benefits, like ethnic raping.