STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Classifieds #7

by Aaron Kendall

• Angry political activist demanding justice seeks people to sign petition which will move current power blackouts from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Trust me. L.A. deserves it.

• Producer seeks beauty contestants for new pageant "Miss Arbitrary", which will defy old beauty pageants by omitting the requirement of standards. Ensures the arbitrary part by having judge panel full of monkeys and sea urchins.

• Passionate advocate of technology and capitalism seeks software engineer to create machine that sucks people into it, like in movie "Tron". Must test out machine on Tim Robbins and other bastards in movie "Antitrust", forcing them to play violent video games until they die.

• SWM currently at big party seeks clarification as to why sleeping with party host's girlfriend is bad. Girlfriend is currently cuddling and rubbing breasts into rib cage. Allah and Vishnu help me.

• Unstable collectivist countries with nuclear arms or planning to buy nuclear arms seek social scientists to explain enigma of why United States aims to build missile defense system.

• Seafood fanatic seeking other seafood buffs to join me in oil-spill location of Galapagos Islands. Must bring along hot/cocktail sauce, plates, stupid-looking large bibs, and matches. Oil is already in ocean and ready to be lit.

• Amateur inventor seeks marketing genius who can help sell new invention "Acidex", the new wooden furniture cleaner/disinfectant that cleans by burning off the top inch of the wood with rich sulfuric acid. Would really prefer marketer behind that stupid Ginger moped thing.

• RAAAAARRRRR! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GRRRR! GRRRAAARRRR! (Translation: Female housecat in heat seeking some much-needed male housecat.)

• Sensitive medical patient with broken ribs who is watching television requests anti-tobacco commercials that won't cause laughter or convulsions from watching such immense contrived crap.