STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Classifieds #1

by Aaron Kendall

• Young impressionable minds sought out by bitter, cynical old man. Minds must be slightly confused and unstable due to psycho-Christian parents. Must be willing to swallow any bullshit handed to them about irrational topics and thoughts. Background of no friends and being very lonely a plus. Vulnerable women battered by father especially welcome. Yes, I am George Carlin.

• SWM seeking anybody at all. No requirements set. Pulse preferred. Call as soon as possible. Should enjoy watching ESPN.

• Black lesbian comedian seeking white, heterosexual audience that feels guilty about slavery and the homophobia of other white people. Must be willing to laugh at jokes about "honkies" and masculinity. No confident white people please.

• Prominent, heartless, sadistic candy-making scientist seeks whole crowds of children that are willing to be executed in grotesque ways. Small, ugly, annoying British children are especially desired to be dead. Must like midgets. Not allowed temper tantrums. Wait. Stop. Reverse that.

• Large European country famous for participating in Cold War seeks reliable form of government which won't fold in less than two days. Cabinet ministers who can put up with drunk Prime Minister also welcomed. A love of vodka and cold weather a plus.

• Single Dark Guinea wearing fifty pounds in gold chains and currently standing in the corner of a club seeks any girl in the club that will happily serve as company on a trip to the bathroom. Giving good head, being extremely drunk, and having a tendency to forget these incidents are required. No panties for "easy entry" looked on favorably.