STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Classifieds #9

by Aaron Kendall

• SBF who hates Clairol "herbal orgasm" commercials seeks shady employee who will replace the Clairol girls' shampoo with bottle of habenero/jalepeno sauce. Extra $$$ for tape of their painful screams.
• Compassionate SWF would love to cure a lonely man's heart, preferably with salt and mesquite.
• SWM looking to accept a paternal role for a young boy within single mother family.   Will buy booze and dirty mags to help me to bang the living crap out of your mother.
• Umm...I don't know.  I don't know that much about myself to tell you anything.  Ummm...please fuck me.
• Somewhat capricious SWF seeking man on Wednesdays, Hispanic women on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and coniferous trees on all remaining days of the week.
• Domestic government agency looking to hire new recruits for new "Poop Ranger" program. Tasks will include clearing public parks of unwanted dog poo. Rangers must have extensive knowledge of how to take shit and handle lots of crap.
• SWM neighbor who lives in apartment below yours is listening and masturbating as you have sex.  Would appreciate it if someone would say "Fuck Me" a little louder.
• Young Japanese girl look for friend in New York City for while.  Would like you to get me on top of your Empire Building. Would also like you help me ride your train below.
• Savvy entrepreneur expanding speed-dating with new program "Speed-Relationships".  Sessions will only last thirty seconds.  Initial format will include man ejaculating on woman's face while woman stabs man in heart with cleaver. Masks provided for added mystery and anonymity.
• Adolescent seeking ideology which justifies downloading pirated music and movies.  Would prefer conclusions that renounce private property and rationalize all forms of theft.
• Lemming #435 currently running with pack towards edge of cliff.  Would like someone to explain what the hell we are doing.
• SWM seeks perfect costume that will give me excuse for acting like jackass and smacking girls' asses.  Am willing to go to great lengths.  Have bought a wheelchair for "retard" costume for last year.  Played homosexual transvestite curious about heterosexuality year before that.
• Man with fairy-tale fowl that produces golden eggs willing to trade. Specifically looking for either donkey that urinates uranium or jade toilet that converts feces into corporate bonds.
• Lonely, inebriated SWM seeking to employ little angel on shoulder to object to lewd thoughts.  Am staring at Hispanic transvestite hooker on street corner..  Am beginning to think she's so hot that I don't care if she has a penis.
• SWF looking for SWM who enjoys museums, long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, magic, surprises, laughter, animals, men who are the culmination of contradictions (tough and sensitive, intelligent and stupid, human and alien, etc.), and the remainder of the same boring bullshit which every "Woman-Seeking-Man" ad contains.
• Career serial killer looking to start new spree of gruesome death.  Motif will be telemarketers who leave messages on my answering machine.  Looking forward to your call.