STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Classifieds #5

by Aaron Kendall

• Trapped man in sunk Russian submarine wishes to defect to the United States. Immediately. As in right now.

• Television producer seeks capability of original, creative thinking. Lost it about twenty years ago.

• Black thief, rapist, and murderer seeks help from minority activists. Need sympathy from public. Only killed two policemen and one pregnant lady in high speed car chase. Good odds for winning in court.

• SWF with napalm bomb needs coordinates of the location for next season's Survivor. Must make sure that there are no more survivors.

• Man looking to collect money from bet with guy at local bar. Won bet by burning down all of Idaho. Told you that I could do it.

• SWF seeks SM who doesn't give the "you don't know the real me, baby" act. Would prefer being gang raped by the flying monkeys of The Wizard of Oz than to hear that again.

• Demolition team needed to lay claymore mines on 5th Avenue in NYC. Must stop the endless parade of ethnic parades and save pretty foreign tourists from horny Puerto Ricans.

• Continent famous for dictators and widespread AIDS epidemic seeks travel agency to make good vacation ads. Ads should not include dictators, widespread AIDS epidemic, or gasoline thieves running around while covered in blue fire. Pictures of lion cubs preferred.

• Kid seeking hacker who can help get this Web filtering software off my Dad's PC. Must be able to get those new pictures of Jenna Jameson and Racquel Darrian in new lezbo porn flick. Payment will come after mowing those three lawns next week.

• Movie producer doing new movie seeks movie set which has nothing that could possibly scare the living crap out of Kim Basinger. Entire set should be made of soft, edible substance. Also seeking ideal script for Basinger, where main character is a sexually-starved mute.