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Page 1
Top 10 Warning Signs That a Loved One is on the Verge of Suicide
by Jason Roth
- Yawns during orgasm.
- Quits job at IRS in favor of tenure position in college sociology department.
- Completes nightly diary entry with "The End."
- Often spends long periods of time in the bathroom after bingeing on food or long periods of time in the confessional after bingeing on joy.
- Complains about "not being good enough" to join the Democratic Party.
- Expresses feelings of guilt upon taking antibiotics.
- Hires a DJ for her daughter's funeral.
- Prefers watching the Independent Film Channel to reading anything by Ayn Rand.
- Dies his hair green and contemplates getting a "lung ring".
- Mistakenly responds to a Jeopardy question about the four Horseman of the Apocalypse: "What are Gravity, Respiration, Newborn Puppies, and Really Good Oral Sex?"
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