STH Newsletter

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10 or 11 Useless Pieces of Wisdom

by Jason Roth

1. No two or more people have ever shit in a pot, stirred it up, and made gold. Not even after Goldschläger shots.

2. I want to propose a new Constitutional Amendment to keep Valentine's Day solely between a man and a woman. Let's at least let the gays hold onto their masculinity.

3. Leaving up Christmas decorations past December like leaving old condoms around your bedroom. The moment to celebrate has passed. It's time to clean up and move on.

4. People tend to flaunt their virtue about the easy things. They think it gives them moral capital that can be saved up and spent later. In other words, if you hold the door open for some old lady, or tell the truth about why you loved some asshole's Powerpoint presentation, it gives you a little breathing room to commit the occasional larceny or decapitation.

5. Famous people get a lot of points for not being assholes. Everyone always seems to be surprised at "what a nice guy" he was in person. It's like good-looking chicks who are surprisingly less stupid than you expect. "Wow, she has great tits and she can add."

6. If you have the most brilliant thing to say that's ever been said, never tell people in advance about its brilliance, otherwise their minds shut down and they concentrate on what an arrogant asshole you are. Close-minded pricks.

7. How come you can't use the Delete key as part of a computer password? I think it would help make a great password: Delete, Escape, Number Lock, Backspace, Print Screen, Control + Alt. + the letters P and Z pressed simultaneously five times, concluding with 60 seconds of a depressed right bracket key. Well, it would have made a great password.

8. If a midget learns the skills necessary to become a ninja, does he actually become a ninja? Or is he more of an honorary ninja? And is there an equation for identifying the extent of a midget's ninja powers in comparison to that of a full-sized ninja? I say if your mother needs to break out the sewing machine and take in your black belt twelve or sixteen inches, you don't get half a black belt. I mean, you did your best and everything. But the idea of an honorary ninja belt makes me want to jump off a roof in a mysterious smoke cloud.

9. Find me a guy who says a movie is "just brainless fun". I want to drill a hole in his head, take out his brain, and see if he gets a kick out of that, too.

10. Gimmicks occur on a continuum. At some point, a gimmick can be so good as to cease being a gimmick. Case in point: no one ever bit into the world's largest pizza and said, "Hey, this is the worst world's largest pizza I've ever tasted". You're just happy to be eating the world's largest pizza. The same goes for flaming shots. I don't care what kind of bottom-shelf moose piss is inside that glass. Thank the bartender for risking his license and your epidermis, and drink the fucking thing.

11. There are two things that I think really brighten up the whole public men's room experience. Little girls and bathroom graffiti. I saw a man in an airport bathroom recently changing his daughter's diaper. The only audible voice in the large, crowded bathroom was that of the little girl, casually blabbering away to her daddy. Name one thing cuter than that. The next best thing is graffiti. In principle, I don't advocate it due to its clear violation of property rights. But, to me, its presence usually turns an otherwise boring few minutes into a rather jolly affair. If I owned an adults-oriented establishment, I would definitely post a sign reading "graffiti permitted". Better yet, I'd just paint the walls white and install little trays holding multicolored pens. Maybe I'd kick the whole thing off by writing, "Hey, shit-for-brains, did I get the hint? Is this what the fucking pens are for?"