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13 Ways to Make a Bible Useful

by Aaron Kendall

1. If inserted at the right angle, it makes one Hell of a doorstop.

2. When stacked on top of the Tora and the Koran, you can reach those hard-to-reach shelves with your favorite porn videos.

3. If shot at the proper velocity, it can easily penetrate and decimate a living target who believes in the wrong arbitrarily-selected deity.

4. If you need to fluff up your college paper with long-winded, four-paged meaningless quotes, look no further than the Bible.

5. Bibles are to hot nuns what cute puppies are to hot chicks in your nearby park.

6. You can correct ministers about Bible passages and make them appear as even bigger fools.

7. You can hide utensils in them which you intend to use in digging your way through your prison wall.

8. If you carve a hole through the center, you can make the ultimate Bible Bong. In fact, many people have claimed to see God with the Bible Bong.

9. It can provide you with at least a dozen excuses as to why you molested your four-year-old little sister. Being born into sin is always the big winner.

10. You can use it to spread the love of God, especially while he's drowning everybody.

11. If you hand Bibles out as Christmas presents to young toy-hungry nephews and nieces, it's a subtle way of letting them know that you hate them.

12. You can become part of the new sexual fad called Bibling, where you shove a Bible up a woman's private area.

13. It can be used as a mobile toilet, when you have to go really bad. It's already full of shit anyway...so what's the harm?