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Really thinking about suicide?

21 Amusing Ways of Making Your Suicide Look Like Homicide

by Jason Roth

1. Dig your fingernails into the back of your neck and drown yourself in a toilet.

2. Shoot yourself in the chest, and leave behind a suicide note written by someone else in a foreign language.

3. Stab yourself 80 times with a spoon.

4. Eat poisoned Cheese Doodles.

5. Purposely trip over a nun's leg and fall in front of a moving hovercraft.

6. Secretly eat broken glass in the bathroom of a four-star restaurant.

7. Tie yourself to two circus elephants and a sea lion, and chase them in opposite directions.

8. Rig a bomb to go off midway through your Stairmaster workout.

9. Row a boat into the middle of a nearby pond, swallow several large lead weights, then get in the water. Begin banging your head against the side of the boat until you go unconscious. Oh, and wear a t-shirt that promotes boat safety.

10. Lock yourself in a meat locker.

11. Scream "don't!" then throw yourself down an escalator.

12. Self-train yourself in the art of yoga, then turn your oven on to 350 and climb inside until well done.

13. Swallow a live sea urchin.

14. Remove all your clothes, douse yourself with Pine-Sol, and climb into the back of a moving van filled with starving woodpeckers.

15. Snort lots of flour.

16. Invite your neighbor's spouse over for dinner a number of times. Then borrow your neighbor's matches and use them to set fire to your house.

17. After coming out of heart surgery, reopen your incisions and insert a Rolex watch engraved with the doctor's initials. Wait patiently.

18. Dive in front of a chef at a Japanese steak house.

19. Tear off the sleeve of one of your best friend's shirts, and hold tightly as you sink in a large pool of quicksand.

20. In public, get into an argument with someone who lives in a skyscraper. Later, sneak into their apartment while they're sleeping, leave fingerprints, and jump out the window.

21. Strangle yourself.