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Top Ten Ways to Seduce an Altar Boy

by Jason Roth

1. Offer him a pack of baseball cards and keys to the nuns' shower.

2. Drop your bible, and when he goes down to pick it up for you, throw the end of your robe over his head.

3. As penance for his confession, assign him seven Hail Mary's and a couple blowjobs.

4. Tell him this is normal procedure anytime the body of Christ goes stale.

5. Demand that either he does this to you now on Earth, or else he gets it from Satan seven days a week for eternity. (Be sure to add: "And if you thought hemorrhoids burned, you ain't seen nothing yet.")

6. Tell him that what you're asking him to do is fundamentally no different than getting a flu shot or using venom to treat a snake bite.

7. While you're giving some old crow her last rights, tell him your hands are full and "would he mind scratching your nuts."

8. Tell him this is the fastest way to "upload the Holy Spirit".

9. Tell him no, that's not a crucifix in your pocket, and yes, you are happy to see him.

10. Ask him if he wants to play with your "Jesus puppet".