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Page 1

The Case Against Santa Claus
Ten Reasons Christmas is Based on One Big Lie

by Jason Roth

  1. There are no jolly fat men.

  2. If he knows if you've been bad or good, he sure as hell ought to know that the polar ice caps are one shitty place to build a toy factory.

  3. Why would anyone outsource their manufacturing to the North Pole, when a nearly endless supply of elf-high labor is available to you in Asia and Africa? Granted, I'm sure the tax laws are more lenient in the North Pole, and Santa's elves are probably slaves that require little or no salary. But I guarantee you that his production time would go down if he used starving kids.

  4. Satellite photographs clearly show evidence of the Great Wall of China, which doesn't produce even a single toy. A factory that produces enough toys for every Christian kid on the planet would undoubtedly make its way into Google Earth.

  5. I cannot, and will not, accept the idea that Santa's workshop is underground. I would have accepted the possibility of an above-ground factory before the satellite era, even that Santa Claus is really the secret identity of Superman and that Superman produces toys in the Fortress of Solitude. But if you're asking me to believe that Santa Claus, a.k.a. Superman, a.k.a. Aquaman, has managed to build an underground, underwater toy factory, you can go screw yourself.

  6. Elves did not make my Star Wars figures. Hasbro did. Are kids really this gullible? What the fuck is Santa running, an international counterfeiting operation?

  7. I realize that the whole Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer orthodoxy came into the picture later, and that the depictions of Santa with Rudolph are like the Book of Mormon and Jesus Christ with the Latter-Day Saints. But still, a lot of kids believe this shit. Unless Rudolph is the last remaining specimen of some kind of mad scientist experiment out of the The Fly, except that the Vincent Price/Jeff Goldblum character was messing with reindeer and lightning bugs, I find it completely implausible that one generation of genetic mutations would lead to a glowing proboscis. Why don't we give Rudolph sonar while we're at it?

  8. Does the old bastard age or what? Everyone tells me he's got a white beard, so I would assume so. Are you trying to say that in the goofy, magical land of the North Pole, time stands still, for Christ's sake? If Santa lived on a toy factory that traveled through space faster than the speed of light, that would be a different story. In fact, it would be a hell of a lot funnier if kids had to wait until they were adults before Santa arrived with their toys from space. It would be even better if everything came freeze-dried.

  9. The flying sleigh: don't even go there. But if we must, is it the sleigh that flies, or is it the reindeer? Moore's law clearly states (i.e., in the poem 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, by Clement Clarke Moore), "so up to the housetop the coursers they flew". (And note that there were only "eight tiny reindeer"; remember, this poem was written B.R.) Clearly, we're supposed to believe that the reindeer pull the sleigh, otherwise why bother shoveling reindeer shit 364 days a year? So, here's what I want to know. Every TV show and movie that's ever depicted these flying reindeer have always showed them moving their legs, as if they're running. Does a flying reindeer have to run in order to fly? Do its feet need to cause some sort of effect on the surrounding air? Are they doing something like a doggie paddle? What the fuck are they doing? If you ask me, I think the flying reindeer are one big fabrication for kids who are skeptical about flying sleighs, but find it perfectly sensible for fat men and bottomless sacks of toys to be supported in mid-air by nothing but hooves. Might I add, this logic results in an infinite regress. How do you explain a flying reindeer? Why, magic reindeer shoes, of course! And how about those shoes? Yada, yada, yada, Santa Claus is really pulled by eight flying quarks and a red-nosed gluon. Intelligent design, my ass.

  10. The whole "sliding down the chimney" thing is so easy to disprove, it's not even funny. Just design a human-sized mousetrap and place it in your fireplace on Christmas Eve. Leave some milk and cookies instead of cheese. If you find a dead guy in it the next morning and you're conspicuously gypped out of stocking stuffers, you'll have proven me wrong. Just make sure he has a real, white beard. Killing your own father doesn't count.

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