STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

20 Ways to Live a Safer Life

by Jason Roth

1. When having sex with an elephant, make sure you're on top.

2. Remain indoors.

3. Demand that all attackers wash their hands before raping you.

4. When sunbathing, ensure mild and even exposure to the sun by wearing a snowsuit and rolling down a very large hill.

5. Use thick, chain-mail gloves when handling any wild animal or other object.

6. Refrain from walking along the beach with loved ones, unless carrying a good saw in case you or a family member steps on glass and you have to perform an emergency amputation.

7. When crossing the street, employ two fat maidservants to walk on either side of you to minimize injuries in potential automobile accidents.

8. Refuse to allow doctors to handle your genitals with anything other than sterile tweezers or robotic arms insulated with lamb's wool.

9. When eating a meal away from home, chew your food carefully, then spit out each mouthful and run it through a strainer to make sure no hazardous materials have been added for the purpose of shredding your stomach and intestines.

10. Play football only with young, paraplegic girls.

11. Use Brillo instead of toilet paper. If swelling and irritation becomes bothersome, sit on a hot iron to destroy nerve endings.

12. Wear a hard-hat when playing pingpong.

13. Prevent eye problems by investing in a good pair of binoculars and watching only your neighbor's television set.

14. Tiptoe through the tulips only with steel-toed boots.

15. Prevent freak drowning accidents by demanding that your local public pool hire a lifeguard for the lifeguard, and a lifeguard for the lifeguard for the lifeguard, etc.

16. Submit all babies to lie-detector and drug tests before baby-sitting them.

17. Wear a blindfold on picnics to prevent ruptured corneas during watermelon-seed-spitting contests.

18. Childproof yourself.

19. Call your electric company and request that the electricity be turned off in your neighborhood before attempting to take a bath and risk being in the water when a neighbor accidentally hurls a television or toaster oven through your ceiling.

20. Use aluminum condoms.