STH Newsletter

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Roth's Ten Immutable Laws
In Memory of Paul Pavlik, Sr., My Grandfather

by Jason Roth

1. No matter how many times you look in an empty refrigerator, you will never find a beer.

2. Eating with your hands is considered "childish", unless you happen to worship cows.

3. "The poor" always seem to own Nike sneakers and television sets.

4. The phrase "just one more bet, I might get lucky" is doubly false.

5. Recycling is a lot of garbage.

6. If animals had "rights", they wouldn't be eating each other.

7. Trying to separate a fat woman and a pair of stretch pants is like trying to keep a line of coke away from Robert Downey Jr.

8. "Nice" guys should finish last. They're boring as fuck.

9. The only thing better than a cold beer is taking an axe to a dictator's head.

10. The most tragic part about a grandparent's death is when you realize you've missed your chance to tell them what a fucking prick they were.