STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

The Last Ten Remaining Principles of the Republican Party

by Jason Roth

1. We swear to uphold the inalienable rights to life, liberty, social security, and the pursuit of cell growth until you exit the womb. After that, we promise to notify you who you can marry and when you can die.

2. The welfare system is an insidious crutch, unless you wear a tie and donate to the Republican National Committee, in which case it's more like a red, white, and blue, corporate colostomy bag.

3. Government spending has ballooned to record highs thanks to us, and therefore must be reigned in through increased funding of new cost-cutting initiatives.

4. We will not rest until we see a democratically elected, theocratic dictator in place in the Middle East. Only then will America's cities truly be safe for a thorough nuking by Iranian terrorists.

5. We fully support an unwavering commitment to the promotion and defense of the greater good, which consists of the larger of any two voting blocks.

6. It is critical that we reform our overly complicated legal system by adding dozens of new laws that forbid American citizens from complying verbatim with all the old ones we've already screwed them with.

7. If church and state are the legs that support this great country, then the smuggling of religious propaganda into the courts and schools are the testicles, and government-funded religious charities are the taint. ("Taint the church, taint the state, it's a faith-based initiative!")

8. Socialized medicine is an immoral infringement of the rights of patients and doctors, leads to poorer quality health care, and is absolutely fabulous when endorsed by one of our own.

9. In protecting the nation's borders, we must strike the proper balance between fingerprinting bloodthirsty Polish tourists, strip-searching elderly white women, and bending over and taking it up the tailpipe by hundreds of thousands of potential Hispanic voters who might get royally pissed off by our immigration policy.

10. The solution to the crisis in American public education is more teachers, higher test scores, and replacing needlessly complicated theories like evolution with the phrase "God did it."