STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Top Ten Parenthetical Product Labels

by Jason Roth

10. 100th Anniversary (of cranking out the same childishly simple recipe our company's founder invented and which we're too uncreative to improve.)

9. New and Improved Label! (Same nauseating product.)

8. Just Like Your Grandmother Used to Make (but with fewer cigarette butts and fingernails.)

7. No Artificial Preservatives (just all-natural mold that will sprout up within hours of opening the package.)

6. 50% Less Fat (so you can be twice as much of a pig and gain just as much weight.)

5. Makes a Great Gift (because no one in their right mind would buy this for themselves.)

4. Low in Sodium (so you can be sure it will be some other chemical we're hiding from you that will kill you.)

3. The One and Only Original (with this particular brand name among a market of 10,000 identical products.)

2. Genuine, Imported (from some dirty third world factory conspicuously missing a sink in its bathroom.)

1. Free! Inside! (a ten-cent piece of plastic that provides the sole means of differentiating this product from the competition.)

P.S. If the ten-cent piece of plastic is a "Change-Color Spoon", the author recommends purchasing the product.