STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Top 10 Excuses for Downloading Internet Porn at Work

by Jason Roth

10. I thought I was just buying a bigger penis.

9. Holy shit! I've identified a hole in the network porn filter! I'll need to report this to the system administrator immediately before more innocent people are harmed.

8. I know, I shouldn't be doing this at work. It's just that it's the last, dying wish of my terminally-ill cousin imprisoned in an Iranian prison to see a little porn before he dies, and I'm too busy in the evenings working at the soup kitchen and reading to the blind to do this at home.

7. Oh, come on, it's just a bunch of pixels. You don't have anything against little dots of light, do you?

6. I've learned my lesson. Next time I'll remember to use a search engine that understands medical terms before I shop for anal suppositories.

5. The Yahoo link to the Retarded African AIDS Crack Baby Charity Fund must have malfunctioned. What, you think I actually like 20-year-old women with double-D breasts giving blowjobs?

4. Please don't interrupt my research for the IT Director's case study on successful e-commerce implementations. You don't want to piss off the IT Director, do you?

3. Porn? This isn't porn, it's a video conference. Those crazy bastards in the home office started fucking each other up the ass as soon as I mentioned third-quarter sales. Way out of line, if you ask me.

2. That's funny. A virus has apparently replaced every website in the last three weeks of my browser history with porn sites.

1. According to the company handbook, I'm allowed to whack off at lunchtime.