STH Newsletter

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10 Reasons You Know Your Pet Isn't An Altruist

by Jason Roth

1. The only thing your poodle wants to "give back to the community" is whatever you fed him for breakfast.

2. You'll never see Mr. Washington refuse to swallow a mouse for the sake of the more needy pythons.

3. Skip won't ask you to die for the good of the species.

4. Kittens won't yell at you for not sharing your toys (and sure as hell won't share theirs).

5. When a parrot laughs at your jokes, you know it's for real.

6. No matter how many times you whack Rusty with a newspaper, he'll never even consider hunger striking.

7. As long as you clean out their litter box and scratch behind their ears, you'll never hear Mittens and Snowball complain about how much time you spend on your career.

8. You don't need to worry about witnessing any gerbil-orchestrated firebomb attacks in the name of human rights.

9. Bugs and Fluffy don't feel obligated to remain virgins until marriage just to please their parents. (In fact, they could care less if mom and dad were in the same damn cage.)

10. If your goldfish is lying motionless for weeks at a time, it ain't because he's overwhelmed by the suffering in the world.