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Page 1

Office Terminology

by Jason Roth

  • C.P.O.

    Chief PowerPoint Officer. Manager or director responsible for creating visually impressive slides for use at internal meetings for the purpose of creating acceptance of vague, contradictory, or stolen ideas. (Actual PowerPoint skills may be outsourced or delegated.)

  • Data Debasement Manager

    Employee whose sole job function is to lower the quality of data.

  • Ehempathy

    The ability to identify coworkers in adjacent bathroom stalls by the sound of the clearing of their throats.

  • Elephant in the Cubicle

    A photograph, comic strip, sticker, toy, or button on an employee's desk or bulletin board which is odd, unintentionally funny, or offensive, but no one else has the nerve to mention. Often obtained during a vacation five years ago or containing wacko political messages.

  • Gynecollegial

    A tendency amongst particular female colleagues to be unusually comfortable in loudly revealing personal information over the telephone usually reserved for a doctor's office or bedroom.

  • Inbox Fermentation

    A controlled process of aging unread e-mail until it reaches the point when it can be safely and inconspicuously deleted.

  • Internal Promotion Campaign

    An interdepartmental process of convincing coworkers to be enthusiastic about activities incapable of generating revenue. Often spearheaded by the Chief Powerpoint Officer.

  • Mammary Lapse

    Cleavage-induced memory loss, usually occurring on one side of a desk, often during ill-advised occasions such as a job interview.

  • MBAin't

    Employee whose business acumen ends at his cufflinks.

  • Meeting Mutants

    Employees encountered in conference rooms with no apparent job function except to remain mute.

  • Reverse Executive Sublimation

    The process of turning managerial hot air directly into solid form, resulting in an official looking, MBA-certified business plan that successfully communicates what everyone already knows and agrees with but contains no new ways of doing business.

  • The Rodin

    Desk posture consisting of propping up the head with one hand while using the fingers to cover one's eyes, thereby facilitating the appearance of deep concentration while napping.

  • Skeptovation

    The substitution of questions for ideas. The skeptovator achieves success upon bringing a conversation to a halt and momentarily preventing the company from making actual progress.

  • Tony Montanagement

    Managers often credit Sun Tzu's The Art of War for inspiring their own management techniques. Modern management theorists favor Scarface's Tony Montana, the film gangster made famous by Al Pacino. Management style characterized by the use of threats, over-the-top acting, and the exhibition of an insatiable appetite for superior performance and maximum productivity only within the confines of a well-attended conference room.

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