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Twelve Guidelines for Objectivist Writers

by Jason Roth

1. Don't include a byline photo of you in your best John Galt pose if your own mother turns away when you enter a room.

2. Take your Kant quotes from Kant, not from the Objectivist essay recycle bin.

3. Hold off on the paragraph-long Ayn Rand quotes until you've hinted to your audience that, yes, you've actually thought about what she already said better than you.

4. Avoid using an author bio with your article about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict if your experience in foreign policy consists of a business trip to Canada.

5. Refrain from humor if your forte is being dry, boring, and monotonous.

6. If you're going to use facts of history and current events as evidence for your arguments, try to pick something that more than nine out of ten Objectivists don't already use when making the same point you're trying to pretend you're making for the first time.

7. Restating everything in other people's articles and then linking to them does not constitute good writing. It's called being a leech with references.

8. Either say something that hasn't been said, say it differently, or keep your fucking mouth shut. (Yes, this has been said before, but I don't believe with the word "fucking".)

9. Address the people whose arguments you are criticizing by name. Nowhere amongst the Objectivist virtues is it stated that being a pussy promotes your values.

10. If you mention a fact because it's controversial, state your source. Don't be an authoritarian asshole. Especially when the authority is you.

11. If you happen to finish your tirade against environmentalism on the same day a major bridge is obliterated by terrorists, you're not immediately obligated to e-mail it to the New York Times and make the entire Objectivist movement look like a bunch of goddamn wackos.

12. Don't quote yourself repeatedly, you lazy, pompous prick. That piece of shit you wrote for your political science class wasn't Atlas Shrugged.

(click here to read further explanation of each of these points)