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Ten Things Americans Know About New Zealand

by Jason Roth

1. Hobbits live there.

2. New Zealanders are a tenacious bunch. They'll walk for kilometers across dozens of rolling hills before fucking a single sheep.

3. New Zealand is basically the Australian Canada. Except that when there's a draft in Australia, no conscientious objector ever wants to escape to New Zealand.

4. If it's not an important enough country for Disney to include as an Epcot Center pavilion, it's not important enough for our history books.

5. You can never pull the wool over a New Zealander's eyes. Chances are, he's already pulled it over his cock.

6. Small, island nations have continent envy. That's why they take it out on those poor sheep.

7. Normally, you'd expect another sheep joke right about now. Unfortunately, there's nothing funny about an entire country with their cocks up a bunch of sheep's asses.

8. The lack of human sexual relations leads a high percentage of New Zealand women to enter politics. Americans can identify with this. Her name is Hillary Clinton.

9. New Zealand has a long, brave history of participation in the first and second World Wars, leading the world in women's suffrage, rugby mastery, and whale hunting. With any luck, the bastards will succeed in conquering the kiwi.

10. New Zealand's most famous actor is an Australian who attacks people with telephones and its most famous hot chick used to sleep with Rod Stewart. Even a list of ten things Americans "know" about New Zealand requires Wikipedia research. Can't you guys hire a fucking PR agent?