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18 Moderately Fun Things to Do for Moderate Muslims

by Jason Roth

1. Wear a low-cut burka.

2. Cut off half a head.

3. Stage a Nerf bows and arrows attack on an Israeli pizzeria.

4. Decapitate Dilbert.

5. Draw a picture of Jesus Christ with a Patriot missile sticking out of his ass. Yeah, that'll show 'em.

6. Smite the necks of the unbelievers in the nicest way possible. (Use long, firm strokes.)

7. Decorate your cave in warm, earthy tones.

8. Start a petition for moderate Muslims against the initiation of violence. Be sure to supply the pen. (It's hard to carry one while you're torching an embassy.) See if you can collect enough signatures to fill the whole back side of a postage stamp.

9. Conduct suicide attacks in moderation. (Don't let yourself get bombed.)

10. Mix your own low-calorie Molotov cocktails.

11. Prove that you're every bit as tolerant and inclusive as you want others to be. Partner with animal rights and environmentalist groups for your next McDonald's firebombing.

12. Send a heart-shaped bomb to Hallmark's Valentine's Day division. If anything is a threat to the ideals of primitive, third-world mysticism, it's the intellectual onslaught of a fucking puppy with a rose in its mouth.

13. Cut out the tongues of underwear models and see what it does against the spread of Victoria's Secret. Hey, you might even win some Christian support.

14. Issue a fatwa against Magnum PI's mustache for its obvious mockery of the prophet Muhammad's crotch.

15. Send liberal apologists some thank-you anthrax for all their help in blaming embassy attacks on "provocation" by cartoonists. You can't buy friends like that.

16. Hold a non-violent protest with the world's silent, Muslim majority. If you're not sure where to find them, just follow the shouts of "Death to America".

17. Burn down the Polish embassy in Sudan in response to those blasphemous sausages.

18. Face in the direction of Mecca and repeat to yourself ten times: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but third-rate cartoons about spooky, fairy-tale nonsense will never hurt me."