STH Newsletter

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The Top 10 Things to Do to Anyone Who's Happy About the Breakup of Microsoft

by Jason Roth

1. Open up a lemonade stand across the street from their house and run their kids out of business.

2. Send them a videotape of yourself wearing a Bill Gates mask and having sex with their spouse.

3. Force all the women in their family to get hysterectomies so their family doesn't get "too big and powerful".

4. Expel their children from school for getting high grades and being "anti-competitive".

5. Mandate that the wife of the family participate in voluntary acts of sexual gratification with other men of the neighborhood, so the woman's husband isn't allowed a sexual monopoly.

6. Agree with them that materialism is evil and give away all their money and material possessions to starving Ethiopians.

7. Nationalize their bathroom.

8. Subpoena their internal memos (e.g., their most embarrassing love letters) and circulate them around the Internet.

9. Break up their family into two distinct, competing families, one of which may have custody of little Johnny, and another which may develop and distribute little Mary Ann.

10. Delete every Microsoft application and document on their computer, leaving only a Microsoft version of the Linux operating system.