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The 10 Comebacks Michael Richards Didn't Use

by Jason Roth

1. "There's more annoying, unfunny black people in this place than comedy night at the Apollo."

2. "Remember the episode when I dressed up like a pimp? I fucked your mother for free that night."

3. "Aren't there 10,000 horrible, black sit-com stars you could be heckling right now?"

4. "The jerk store called, and they're running outta n..."

5. "I have a feeling Al Sharpton will want me to publicly apologize for what I'm thinking right now. So why don't you go put your own head in the noose?"

6. "Hey, look. It's Mystery Science Theater 3000 with black people. But without the obscure literary references."

7. "There's more black people in this audience than nine seasons of Seinfeld. Now I know why. Larry and Jerry were two smart kykes."

8. "Aren't you the assholes who wouldn't shut up during Lord of the Rings? You know, they make CliffsNotes for that book. But first go buy the CliffsNotes on how to fucking read."

9. "Do I come to your work and sit there like a little pussy while you call me a cracker and get videotaped?"

10. "If Jerry were here, I bet he'd use the 'n' word. Newman."