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50 Fun Things to Do in Someone Else's House

by Jason Roth

1. Unplug the refrigerator.

2. Turn the oven on.

3. Rearrange the furniture. (Turn a bedroom into a dining room, and vice versa.)

4. Hide the remote.

5. Hide the television.

6. Hide the pets.

7. Change the answering machine message.

8. Turn off the answering machine.

9. Change the speed dial numbers.

10. Change the alarm clock time to twelve hours earlier.

11. Add an extra goldfish to the goldfish bowl.

12. Leave a condom wrapper under a sofa cushion.

13. Make yourself a meal. Be polite and wash the dishes.

14. See how much pay-per-view porn you can order in one day.

15. Set the TiVo to record nothing but infomercials.

16. Leave a note on their computer that says "Thanks for the files."

17. Leave a note anywhere that says "I'll be back."

18. Leave a note listing a website address. Set up a website and post a photo of yourself sitting on their toilet. (Don't forget to wear a ski mask.)

19. Replace a crucifix with Mickey Mouse.

20. Install video surveillance equipment. Leave a tape of yourself installing it.

21. Paint "Helter Skelter" on a wall.

22. Replace wall photos with photos of someone else's family.

23. Replace products with similar products of a different brand. If they own Heinz ketchup, replace it with Hunt's. If they own Tide laundry detergent, replace it with All.

24. Tie a nylon string across each doorway at shin level.

25. Paint their bathrooms black.

26. Paint their mirrors black.

27. Paint their windows black.

28. Nail their windows shut.

29. Put a skeleton in a closet.

30. Stuff a pillow with live crickets. (Available at your local pet store.)

31. Hang dead things from the ceiling.

32. Wrap a miscellaneous animal organ in aluminum foil and leave it in the freezer.

33. Empty the sugar container and replace it with Sweet & Low.

34. Fill every glass in the kitchen cabinet with water. (They might not spill the second or third glasses, but fill them all anyway.)

35. Turn off the phone ringers.

36. Leave the stereo, alarm clock, and television volume set to maximum.

37. Exchange the contents of two clothing drawers.

38. Grease the banisters.

39. Leave counterfeit paw prints up a wall, ending at a ceiling vent.

40. Put a rubber pickle in the pickle jar. Replace the jar's label with a label identical in every way except for the phone number for complaints. (I could tell you what phone number to include, but why don't you figure it out?)

41. Call for food delivery. Repeat two dozen times quickly before leaving.

42. Make urine ice cubes.

43. Pee in the shampoo.

44. Take the book jackets off the hardcover books and put them around multiple copies of the same cheap book you purchased previously at a dollar store. If you can get copies of a book with blank pages, even better.

45. Unscrew the light bulbs.

46. Hide the toilet paper.

47. Put their possessions into piles based on color.

48. Make a bathtub full of iced tea.

49. Bring in a small, battery-powered recording device. Turn it on and play a looping recording of a young girl whispering, "Jesus is coming." Unscrew a ceiling vent and throw it in as far as you can.

50. Plant weeds in the flowerpots.