STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

People Whose Funerals Deserve Low Attendance

by Jason Roth

• People who complain about the weather.

• People who thank God it's Friday.

• Nuns with great tits.

• Women too lazy to put the goddamn toilet seat down themselves. (Someone ought to leave your coffin lid open and piss on your corpse, you annoying bitch.)

• Female comedians who tell jokes about toilet seats being left up.

• Men who leave the toilet seat down and piss on it.

• Old people who think they're wise, but are really just as stupid as they were when they were young. (Only now they have a larger repertoire of rationalizations for all the lies they tell themselves.)

• Vegetarians who eat foods made to resemble meat products. (You'll never see us omnivores eat a piece of broccoli made out of hamburger, so drop that goddamn soy burger and stick to your fucking weeds.)

• "Vegetarians" who eat fish.

• Vegetarians.

• Environmentalists with houses.

• People who talk during the movies.

• Women who are mean to men because they know they won't get hit.

• Kids who ham it up to be cute. (If you think that little Bill Clinton of yours doesn't know exactly what he's doing, you oughta be the one in the diapers, you dumb shit.)

• Adults who goad on intentionally cute kids because they get off on seeing kids trying to impress them. (I.e., power-lusting cunts who want kids to grow up psychologically dependent on the approval of others.)

• Bicycle messengers who think it's ok to ride down a one-way street in the wrong direction and give pedestrians heart attacks, just because their vehicle doesn't have a fucking motor. (If anyone whacks you in the head with a crowbar and knocks that bag of Chinese food out of your hands, don't expect an ambulance anytime soon.)

• Employees who chat to each other obliviously while long lines of customers wait for them. (Then have the nerve to talk to all their friends about how annoying customers are.)

• Any employee that gives you the impression that they resent you for the inconvenience of making them contract their muscles, breathe, and earn the paycheck that enables them to continue living their pathetic fucking life.

• Waiters who look annoyed when you remind them that you did not, in fact, order the roast goose and a bottle of plum wine, but rather a BLT and a chocolate shake. Do you actually expect us to apologize to you, you pretentious cocksuckers?

• Any waiter with a bad attitude.

• People who take elevators to the first floor. If you do this, you damn well better be limping or on wheels. If not when you get on, then at least when you get off. (And if you need help satisfying the handicapped requirement, the rest of us will be more than happy to help you out.)

• People who take up two seats on a crowded bus.

• Anti-abortionists.

• Technophobes with websites.

• Men who hate small dogs. (Four words: Get a fucking penis!)