STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

50 Fun Things to Do During Confession

by Jason Roth at savethehumans.com

1. Make lewd noises.

2. Speak in tongues.

3. Make up sins.

4. Confess to "lying during confession".

5. Every time the priest thinks you're done, add one more sin.

6. Ask if oral sex with your neighbor's daughter counts as breaking the ninth commandment, or if you "really have to fuck his wife".

7. Tell the priest you'll have to talk to your lawyer before you agree to anything.

8. Try plea-bargaining down to half a Hail Mary.

9. Tell the priest that if you have any choice in the matter of reconciliation, you'd prefer to volunteer at a youth center rather than "mumbling all that gibberish".

10. Act retarded.

11. Say the words "Jesus Christ" like you're cursing.

12. Enter with a barking dog and claim to be blind.

13. Take in a buddy with you, and pretend to be Siamese twins. Confess to stealing your brother's watch. Get into a brawl after your "brother" accidentally overhears you.

14. Ask the priest if you can be redeemed for missing Church every Sunday for the last five years. After he answers you, tell him your question was only hypothetical and you'll be back to see him in another five years.

15. Ask if it's a sin to dream about getting blowjobs from Moses. Specify that you mean daydreaming, and that you were "only semiconscious" at the time.

16. Slip the priest $20 and ask if he can leave the big guy out of this one.

17. Tell the priest you plan to backwash into the wine chalice this Sunday and you'd like to pay for the sin in advance.

18. Ask for coffee.

19. Perform the world's first singing confession. Sing your sins to the tune of I'd Like to Give the World a Coke. Follow up with Smells Like Teen Spirit. Try rapping.

20. Ask the priest which commandment tax fraud falls under. Remind the priest that, technically, it was really your money to begin with, plus you didn't think that "rendering unto Cesar what is Cesar's" had anything to do with the commandments. Tell him you'll reluctantly accept the lying charge, but stealing would be "fucking bullshit".

21. Tell the priest that you "commit that sin all the time" and you usually get off much lighter. Ask if there's another priest available who can give you a second opinion.

22. Invite a friend to go in with you and pretend to be your interpreter. Make sure his or her English translations are sufficiently disproportionate in length to the duration of your incomprehensible grunting.

23. Shine a flashlight through the partition and ask the priest what he's doing in there.

24. Tell a knock-knock joke.

25. Tell the priest you survived a tragic cruise ship disaster. Confess to eating a fellow lifeboat passenger and washing him down with your own urine.

26. Tell the priest that you and your wife were attacked in your home last weekend, and the attacker held a gun to your head and forced you to hack off your wife's head with a steak knife. Describe the attacker's gun as "orange and leaking water".

27. Break out an order of sufficiently odoriferous buffalo wings. Indian food also works. Run out of the booth screaming for water.

28. Give the priest three guesses to figure out which commandment you broke. Make his effort worthwhile.

29. Tell the priest you're not sorry one bit and you'd do it again.

30. Tell the priest you're an atheist and to "lay off the God stuff". Ask him, "Can't a guy get a little forgiveness in this town without having religion shoved down his throat?"

31. Offer to buy the church and turn it into a parking lot.

32. Confess to losing your house and your wife's "hospital money" in a poker game. Ask the priest if you can sleep at his place.

33. Confess to immoral thoughts within your mother's womb.

34. Say, "You sunk my battleship! Hah! Just kidding."

35. Confess to cheating on all your exams at the seminary.

36. Make the same elaborate confession twice in one day. If the priest points out that you already made the confession, you have a splendid number of choices. For example, you can tell the priest you want to confess again for good luck. Or, you can deny it but allude to your OCD or short-term memory loss. Or, you might call the priest a dirty liar "immersed in a web of his own deceit and floundering on the brink of Hell in an unforgivable, ill-fated alliance with Satan". Or you might just say, "Yeah, I know, not a very good day, is it?"

37. Pick a famous movie villain and confess to his crimes. If the priest catches on, tell him he's won a prize.

38. Ask if there's any way you can commute your sentence until after tonight's game.

39. Tell the priest you're interested in going into the sex tourism business. Ask if God would have any objection if you incorporated your business overseas. Malaysia, for instance.

40. Confess to giving up your only son to be crucified.

41. Confess to stealing a secret document explaining the exact method for curing cancer.

42. Confess to eating with your mouth full.

43. Bring in a box of dry ice with you, and while fog spreads throughout the booth, talk into a megaphone and tell the priest the world will end a week from next Tuesday.

44. Confess to sinning in a past life.

45. Confess to worshipping Michael Jordan like a god.

46. Confess that you have nothing to confess, and that you are truly sorry for being convinced you are morally on par with God Himself.

47. Confess to lying to the priest's mother about not having AIDS.

48. Confess to rigging a bomb to the priest's chair with a pressure-sensitive detonation device that will go off the moment he stands up.

49. Confess to using too much profanity during prayer.

50. Ask if the nuns have a locker room, and if so, does he have the keys.

    Hey, it's worth a shot, isn't it?