STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

11 Ways America Should Apologize to China
(over the spy plane incident)

by Jason Roth

1. Promise to cease all nuclear weapons testing immediately. Except in Shanghai, Qingdao, and Beijing.

2. Commandeer the Chinese television airwaves and broadcast 24 hours a day of Asian Elvis impersonators doing renditions of "Ruv Me Tender".

3. Spray-paint "communism sucks" all over the Great Wall. (Make sure it's big enough to see from space.)

4. Teach Chinese kids what can happen when you play with fireworks.

5. Sometimes there's nothing better than a little Chinese takeout. So take out the Chinese ambassador's lungs, stir-fry them with bamboo shoots and water chestnuts, and drop them off on Jiang Zemin's front porch with a side order of egg rolls. (And don't forget the duck sauce.)

6. Offer a seven-day, all-inclusive Disney World vacation to the peasant who collects the most blood-stained Chinese military uniforms.

7. Give them all the goddamn American military secrets they're looking for, complete with free samples and a live demo.

8. Play "pin the tail on the pagoda" with Peking-Duck-seeking smart bombs.

9. Send in a big robot to kick the shit out of Godzilla. (Yeah, I know, that's Japan. But the Japanese aren't the assholes.)

10. In exchange for the captive American soldiers, offer the Chinese government something truly American: a two-minute shopping spree at an Ivy League university for all the China-apologists they can grab. (Make sure you give 'em a big fucking shopping cart; they'll need it.)

11. "Get Jackie Chan" on their ass.

Feel like kicking a little Red China ass?
Then play our Java game:
Commie Killer
The Return to Tiananmen Square