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Top 10 ACLU Causes

by Jason Roth

1. An Iraqi terrorist's right to bare nuclear arms.

2. A father's parental right to molest his son.

3. An unknown sculptor's right to display his all-semen representation of Thomas Jefferson's anus in the cafeteria of the Washington Capital.

4. An author's right to force a publisher to release his book entitled "The Child Pornographer's Companion".

5. An eight-year-old public school student's freedom of speech to refer to his fellow Jewish schoolmates as "gas-worthy kykes".

6. A death row inmate's right to a retrial, after the judge failed to turn up the volume on the television set that clearly displayed the inmate butchering and eating his seventeen victims.

7. An African-American church's religious freedom to celebrate Kwanza by mutilating a young girl's genitalia with a butcher knife.

8. A non-smoker's right to a "healthy environment" in the building owned by you, even though you smoke and you want him the fuck out of your building.

9. A teenage slut's right to a government-funded abortion.

10. A homosexual Navy officer's right to spy in privacy.