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Failed Product Promotions Printable Version

by Jason Roth

• The Candlewick Press "Where's Waldo's Wallet?" Promotion

  Someone in New York City is carrying a wallet containing $1,000,000! Will you be lucky person to find it? (We do not endorse the pickpocketing of anyone not affiliated with this promotion.)
   
  

• The Durex Condom Satisfaction Guarantee

  If you have sex with 100 different partners with the condom, and 100 different partners without any condom, and you're not completely satisfied that sex with the condom is just as good without, we'll refund the cost of the condom and reimburse you for any necessary AIDS treatment.
   
  

• The Sony "Music for the Deaf" Promotion

  Sony is "giving back" to the deaf community by getting rid of all our unsold Anne Murray and Air Supply records, while picking up a nice tax deduction in the process.
   
  

• The Webster Dictionary "T is for Typo" Contest

  Can you spot all the misspellings and incorrect definitions in the latest edition of Webster's College Dictionary? If so, you're well on your way to winning a cool millun.
   
  

• The Oreo Cookie "Got Vaseline?" Manufacturer's Refund

  Get a $1.25 manufacturer's refund, just by sending in one proof of purchase from a box of Nabisco Oreo Doublestuff Cookies, along with a receipt for one jar of Vaseline Brand Petroleum Jelly and one box of Trojan Double-Ply Condoms.
   
  

• The Post-It Brand Notes "Post a Public Accusation of Sexual Harassment" Contest

  In offices all around the country, representatives from the 3M corporation will be looking for the funniest examples of sexual harassment by Post-It users' employers. The grand prize winner will have the opportunity to have their story adapted as a made-for-television movie.
   
  

• The Nike Low-Top Sneaker "Arizona Desert Walkathon to Save the Endangered Rattlesnake" Promotion

  The world's populations of poisonous snakes are on the decline, and with your help, Nike can help bring them back. All participants in the Walkathon will receive a 20% discount on Nike low-top sneakers and sandals on the day of the walk. (30% if you survive a snake bite and give us publicity.)
   
  

• The Stay-Free Maxipad "Engraved Jockstrap Travel Bag Offer"

  To receive your free travel bag, just send a check for $3.95 along with five used tampons and proof that you are a man.
   
  

• The Cracker Jack "Gillette Razorblade Giveaway"

  For a limited time, get a free Gillette razorblade in specially unmarked boxes of Cracker Jack Caramelized Popcorn and Peanuts. No purchase necessary.
   
  

• The Purina "It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World" Free Puppy Chow Offer

  For your free large can of Purina Puppy Chow, just send your dog, along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, to: Purina "It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World" Puppy Chow Offer, 100 Meat Grinder Blvd., Cleveland, OH, 20354.
   
  

• The McDonald's "Weight-Watchers Triple Big Mac Extra Large Value Meal" Offer

  Just bring in your Weight Watchers membership card to any participating McDonald's, and receive a free apple pie with every Triple Big Mac Extra Large Value Meal.
   
  

• The Calvin Klein Obsession Perfume "Win a One-Night-Stand With a Dead Coke-Overdosed Anorexic Model" Contest

  Calvin Klein, a long-time supporter of recycling, is offering our used teenaged models to ten lucky winners. Calvin Klein reminds you that only Obsession for Men and Obsession for Women perfumes can fully cover up the odor of dead, sexually active corpses. (As reported in Consumer Reports, March 2000.)

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