STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Failed Product Promotions

by Jason Roth

• The Nike Low-Top Sneaker "Arizona Desert Walkathon to Save the Endangered Rattlesnake" Promotion

  The world's populations of poisonous snakes are on the decline, and with your help, Nike can help bring them back. All participants in the Walkathon will receive a 20% discount on Nike low-top sneakers and sandals on the day of the walk. (30% if you survive a snake bite and give us publicity.)
   
  

• The Stay-Free Maxipad "Engraved Jockstrap Travel Bag Offer"

  To receive your free travel bag, just send a check for $3.95 along with five used tampons and proof that you are a man.
   
  

• The Cracker Jack "Gillette Razorblade Giveaway"

  For a limited time, get a free Gillette razorblade in specially unmarked boxes of Cracker Jack Caramelized Popcorn and Peanuts. No purchase necessary.
   
  

• The Purina "It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World" Free Puppy Chow Offer

  For your free large can of Purina Puppy Chow, just send your dog, along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, to: Purina "It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World" Puppy Chow Offer, 100 Meat Grinder Blvd., Cleveland, OH, 20354.
   
  

• The McDonald's "Weight-Watchers Triple Big Mac Extra Large Value Meal" Offer

  Just bring in your Weight Watchers membership card to any participating McDonald's, and receive a free apple pie with every Triple Big Mac Extra Large Value Meal.
   
  

• The Calvin Klein Obsession Perfume "Win a One-Night-Stand With a Dead Coke-Overdosed Anorexic Model" Contest

  Calvin Klein, a long-time supporter of recycling, is offering our used teenaged models to ten lucky winners. Calvin Klein reminds you that only Obsession for Men and Obsession for Women perfumes can fully cover up the odor of dead, sexually active corpses. (As reported in Consumer Reports, March 2000.)