STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Acme Paint Manufacturers
FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions

by Jason Roth

• Q: Should I be concerned about the quantity of lead in your paints?

  A: We do not accept responsibility for customer misuse of our products. It is suggested you complete our online Home Painter's Safety Certification Program, available for $199.00.

• Q: Is any special preparation required in rooms where humidity is high (bathrooms, cellars, etc.)?

  A: Painting is a delicate, dangerous activity, and should only be attempted by a certified professional. Consult our bookshop for more information on becoming a painting professional.

• Q: What is the best way to remove paint from a child's skin?

  A: Bathe the infected victim in a mixture of two parts ammonia to one part bleach. As a safer alternative, try our specially blended "Paint-O", available in our online store.

• Q: Do you have any tips on preserving the life of an outdoor paint-job?

  A: For best results, purchase our "Knowing When to Repaint" guidebook.

• Q: The paint I purchased from your website appears to be much darker on my walls than it looked on your website. Why is that?

  A: Website color swatches are for "fun" only. Colors do not represent actual paint colors and are digitized approximations only.

• Q: I'm a big fan of your paint. Do you have any special features on your website for your fans, such as special discounts, etc.?

  A: Yes! Please try our new Wet Paint Cam. (Photo of drying paint refreshes every 10 seconds.) You may also join our fan club for an annual membership fee of $29.95, which includes a one-size-fits-all painter's cap (for amusement purposes only; does not protect head.)

• Q: How can I locate a store near me where I can purchase your paint?

  A: The paint market is an extremely competitive one, and therefore all information on our distributors is classified. For information on starting your own paint store with an exclusive contract that prohibits sales of any competing products, purchase our free information packet "The Painting Business" for $49.95.

• Q: Does your website contain any free content?

  A: Absolutely. You can obtain a subscription to our Free Content Area for $9.95 per month. All major credit cards are accepted.

• Q: Do you sell any painting supplies other than paint, such as brushes, rollers, etc.?

  A: No. For a copy of our mission statement, which explains why we sell nothing but paint, please e-mail us at We Hate Our Customers And Wish They Would All Die@brandYpaint.com