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Obituaries Cut from the New York Times
Mr. Fernando Wa

by Jason Roth

Mr. Fernando Wa, the inept Chinese-Italian chef whose spaghetti tasted like overcooked water chestnuts marinated in oregano-laced cow shit and whose lo mein looked like something pulled out of Chef Boyardee's ass and doused in soy sauce, will be laid to rest this evening. Mr. Wa accidentally locked his own half-bred ass in the meat locker of his restaurant while looking for a special cut of sheepdog.

Mr. Wa will be remembered for his ability to combine the wonderful flavors of his dual-heritage in ways that only his mother could love. (The mother who spent most of her life in a forced-labor camp eating cockroaches and puddles of her own saliva.) Wa's mother will ceremoniously vomit a plate of General Dong's Gnocchi into Wa's coffin from a moving Ford Mustang, as is done in all traditional Chinese-Italian funerals.