STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Obituaries Cut from the New York Times
Mr. Arlington Smyth

by Jason Roth

Mr. Arlington Smyth, accountant and boring, bald fuck, will be buried tomorrow at the Greenville Cemetery with his much-beloved pocket protector and that twenty-year-old Texas Instruments calculator he was known to have fingered nearly fifty-three-times as much as all his sexual partners combined. Mr. Smyth, ridiculed for having two last names instead of one first name and one last name, will be charged double by Greenville Cemetery, who had to flip the bill for his headstone after his family refused to finance the funeral.

Because Mr. Smyth is dead, however, and cannot pay the additional headstone fees, his corpse will be kicked in the nuts and a demeaning photo will be taken of the Cemetery night manager urinating onto Mr. Smyth's face, while the grave diggers pose Mr. Smyth's body in funny and hilarious positions, such as sticking Mr. Smyth's left hand up his own ass and pulling his tongue out and filling his mouth with dirt.