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Last Lines of Novels You Don't Want to Read
by Jason Roth
- And thus, the dominatrix with the heart of gold learned that some Dicks aren't meant to be chained.
- Maybe it was the way the android beeped at him, or maybe it was the way the fifth sun eclipsed his home planet, but somehow, Starcaptain Huge Penis knew that one day he would live to piss on another steaming Vulcan corpse.
- "Pies? What Pies?" he said, and slowly bit down into his own little slice of meringue heaven, only seconds before the demonic white-capped man plunged the spatula into his chest and proceeded to decorate his bleeding body with the words "Happy Birthday", even though, he remembered bitterly, his birthday wasn't today... it was yesterday, goddammit.
- She felt the warmth of his hand across her breast, and though her eyes were heavy and her thoughts weighted with life's sweet sorrows - no wait, she thought, that can't be right - I lost that breast to cancer in Chapter 12.
- So that's what mom meant by the value of cooperation, young Adolph thought, and smiled proudly as he glanced up at the tree house he had built with the help of his friends, which now housed the bound-and-gagged Barry Feinstein.
- Sneezy and the other six small gods whistled while they sent the final plague down to destroy Planet Terth.
- Old Bart Peterson drove up in his '59 Chevy pick-up and began unloading the corn into Mrs. Spencer's wagon, and, as is customary in Little Creek, he looked once to his left and once to his right, before spitting into the corn and muttering under his breath, "Eat that, you ugly old Christian whore."
- Smokey the little red fire engine honked and whistled, then with one last push, made it up the hill, where unfortunately his brakes failed and he spun uncontrollably down the other side into Arnie the Ambulance, whose back was broken instantly, sending Arnie to the big junkyard in the sky, where he was reincarnated as a bulldozer and spent the next 85 years waiting for Smokey so he could enact his revenge; "the little engine who could, my ass," Arnie thought.
- And the world was free of man again, and nature was free to live and breathe, and all the stupid dolphins could hunt in peace without the fucking bio-diversity-happy environmentalist nut-jobs constantly badgering them about how goddamn cool they were.
- Jack wept, and Mary knew that he had paid the price for what he had done, but what Mary didn't know was that Jack was really crying because his mistress was not only sexier than Mary, but about ten times as smart, and now all he could do was think about her every time he slept with that whinny old bitch of a wife of his.
- And then the unthinkable happened: the world opened up and out came Lucifer with a bag of pretzels.
- The End.
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