STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

The Greeting Cards
Hallmark Rejected 2

by Jason Roth

• (front)

  (illustration: husband and wife looking lovingly at each other near their decorated Christmas tree, which has wrapped presents underneath it.)

  (caption:) The good news is that this Christmas Cathy is giving Bill a beautiful baby boy.

  (inside)

  The bad news is she wrapped the presents three weeks ago.

  Have a twisted Christmas.

  ---

• (front)

  An Easter syllogism for you:

     All rabbits are horny.

     The Easter Bunny is a rabbit.

     Therefore...

  (inside)

  When you're on your knees looking for Easter eggs, for God's sake watch your back.

  ---

• (front)

  Just imagine if we had never met...

  (inside)

  You'd be getting a card from a total stranger and probably be calling the police.

  Happy Anniversary.

  ---

• (front)

  Another birthday, and you still haven't changed.

  (inside)

  You've had the grey hair and wrinkles for a while now.

  ---

• (front)

  Welcome back!

  (inside)

  Hope you don't mind that I screwed your girlfriend and set fire to that dump you call home. Just remember, there's always a place at my house for a friend like you. At least, when your girlfriend, mother, favorite elementary school teacher, and I aren't having a wild orgy on top of a big picture of you wearing that tie you loaned me which I still haven't returned. Your mom likes it when I tie her to the bed with it so do you mind if I keep it?

  ---

Read the first edition of The Greeting Cards Hallmark Rejected.