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The Greeting Cards
Hallmark Rejected
by Jason Roth
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(front)
Get well soon.
(inside)
Think about how many decent people could be using your hospital bed. There's gotta be someone else in the world actually worth saving.
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(front)
Roses are red,
pansies are yellow...
(inside)
Who would've thought you'd have sex with a fellow?
Happy coming out of the closet!
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(front)
Congratulations on your graduation.
(inside)
Your masterful knowledge of the Grapes of Wrath, the skeletal system of the iguana, and the history of women's rights in Zimbabwe should really help you in your search for the cure for cancer. If I were you, I'd reconsider that cushy job at Bob's Burgers. Jesus, who can beat all the free fries you can eat?
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(front)
Isn't it great to be able to say "I did it. It was a hard struggle, but I persevered, and I succeeded, despite the odds."
(inside)
Sure, it's one big lie, but you can say it, can't you?
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(front)
On this day, your mother tortuously expelled you from her uterus covered in bloody slime, attached to a long fleshy cord, and crying to be fed, held, cleaned, and raised.
(inside)
I guess you were about as appealing then as you are now. Happy Birthday anyway!
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