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The Greeting Cards
Hallmark Rejected
by Jason Roth
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(front)
I don't know how the three of you stayed together so long.
(inside)
Oops. Your wife told me not to mention him.
Oh well, happy anniversary.
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(front)
(picture: Four clowns carrying a coffin.)
(inside)
Please accept my condolences about that Jerry Springer accident when your grandfather the transsexual clown was trampled to death by those two-headed lesbian skinheads. It made great TV, but it sure was sad.
Yours, grievously.
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(front)
Wishing you well during your mid-life crisis.
(inside)
Hope you find some way to salvage something from your pathetic existence before dying alone from a stress-induced heart attack and leaving behind nothing but a family who hates you and a vague idea for a better life which you never had the guts to act on but which you would have completely screwed up even if you did.
My thoughts are with you.
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(front)
Try not to have too much birthday cake today...
(inside)
It'll only mean more time in the bathroom puking it up and feeling guilty about how fat you are.
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